Saturday, October 19, 2013

The Bavard's Guide to Unsavory Persons: Volume 1 - Dickheads and Assholes

Dickheads and Assholes:
The defining characteristics of Dickheads are mean-spiritedness, stupidity, and a lack of self-awareness. Dickheads are further characterized by their ineptitude, brutality, and inability to read people. Dickheads are Dickheads by choice. Dickheads think they are being funny when they are not. This often involves the telling of racist jokes. Dickheads' antics hurt. They always laugh at their victims and assume they are endearing to their “friend group”. None of a Dickhead’s friends actually like the Dickhead, but they are too scared of retaliatory pranking to ever say or do anything about it. Dickheads are impossible to kick out of bands. Dickheads can be seen handing out Dixie cups of vodka to marathon runners, who are expecting water. If you start a war, you are probably a Dickhead. All Dickheads are bullies (but not all bullies are Dickheads – see below). You cannot be a female Dickhead. One never accuses a Dickhead of being a Dickhead to his face. Dickheads honk at you to GO! when you are waiting for a pedestrian at a crosswalk.  Dickheads are often cuckolds. Your older brother is probably a Dickhead.  Dickheads wear offensive or inappropriate Halloween costumes. Dickheads give mean or insulting gifts. Dickheads give bad stock advice. At a sports bar, a Dickhead will gloat ostentatiously and laugh at your team’s misfortune even if his team isn't even playing. Dickheads are bad tippers because they don’t know any better. Dickheads are buffoons. There are no Dickheads in the animal kingdom. Dickheads drink beer. Dickheads borrow money and don’t pay it back. Women hate Dickheads.

Assholes are similar to Dickheads, with two fundamental differences. Assholes are intelligent and direct. Like Dickheads, Assholes are mean-spirited and brutal. But their general competency makes them far more dangerous. Being an Asshole is not a choice, it’s a birthright. Assholes do not tell jokes or attempt to win people over with humor or affability. Racist comments made by Assholes represent fundamental beliefs. The animosity an Asshole incurs is intentional. While a Dickhead might be part of a friend group that includes mostly non-Dickheads, Assholes only hang out with other Assholes.  An Asshole would never be a marathon spectator, even to prank the runners. In fact, many Assholes run marathons. They also cycle and rock climb. Assholes are the ones who convince the Dickheads to start wars. Like Dickheads, Assholes are bullies; however, unlike Dickheads, Assholes’ bullying lacks any creativity and shuns tradition. An Asshole does not bully with schoolyard wedgies. An Asshole just sets your car on fire. Women can absolutely be Assholes. Assholes do not need to be told they are Assholes. Assholes do not honk at you, you honk at Assholes. Assholes are remorseless cheaters, at games and in relationships. While your older brother is a Dickhead, it’s your friend’s older brother that’s the Asshole. Assholes don’t participate in Halloween, unless it involves throwing eggs, which is not done out of respect for a tradition, but simply because it hurts and stains. Assholes don’t give gifts and they return all gifts they receive. Assholes don’t give stock advice, especially when they should. Assholes are bad tippers because they lack empathy. The animal kingdom is made up almost exclusively of Assholes (dogs are the exception). From the perspective of the animal kingdom, the human race is a race of Assholes. Assholes drink wine. Assholes don’t borrow money, they manipulate the system and steal it. Women love Assholes.

Alternate Definitions: While the term Dickhead has only two meanings, the one described above, and its literal meaning, the term Asshole has an interesting third application, beyond the one mentioned above, and its own literal meaning. Some Assholes are victims or gullible morons, as in, “I can’t believe he cheated on me again. I’m such an Asshole!” Or, “Jesus, what kind of an Asshole would take the Cardinals +11 on the road in San Francisco?” Or, “Yeah, Mac, some Asshole just okayed us to bill 450 dollars for an alignment, an oil change, and two new tires.”

Click here to read Volume 2: Douchebags and Scrotes

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