Sunday, August 11, 2013

10 Bogus Statistics We Should All Ignore

"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damn lies, and statistics." - Mark Twain

Numbers are thrown at us all the time. You hear some things so often you just accept them as the truth. It's easier that way. It's easier, for example, to just accept that there are 7 billion people on earth. What are you going to do, count them? Are you going to go back and verify that Babe Ruth actually hit 714 home runs? Probably not. Because you are an irresponsible citizen. But I've got you covered. I took some time and reran the numbers, and it turns out the old numbers don't add up. So relax, unburden yourself from the crushing weight of a false reality. Let the truth shine through. Here are ten of the most egregiously bogus statistics you probably believe without question:

1. 1 out of every 10 people is gay

This is preposterous. Everyone is gay. 10 out of 10. Gayness is a state of mind, and we've all been there. You can't be sort of gay any more than you can be sort of dead. I like Fashion Police. Does that make me actually, officially gay? Hell yes it does! You can't watch Bravo and not be gay. And Top Chef counts. And everyone is straight, too, because everyone watches the Olympics. See, you don't have to pick a side. You can't pick a side. Sides don't even exist. Now if you said 1 out of every 10 guys likes receiving anal sex, well then the numbers are wrong there too. I did some random polling (okay, poor word choice) in the Target parking lot, and it turns out nobody likes it. Zero out of 10. So it's either 100% or 0%. But it's not 10%.

2. 70.8% of the earth's surface is water.

Bullshit. This is a clever obfuscation manufactured by the powerful drought-lobby. There real number is closer to 98%. I flew to Hawaii from San Francisco once and there is a TON of water down there. Okay? Congress, the President, they're all in on it. It's about money. Money and politics. As long as humans keep believing our planet is only 70% water, we'll keep buying those low-flow multi-flush toilets. And who do you think owns the patent on those bad boys? You guessed it, Barack Hussein Obama.

3. 70% of the human body is water

Lies. If this was true you would shrink when you peed. And by the way, I NEVER drink water, okay? And somehow I'm still 100% me. I live on light beer and coffee. I don't think I've had a single glass of water all week. It's like saying my body is 40% steak, even though I'm vegetarian. It's all tied together. If we think the surface of the world is only 70% water and we think our bodies are 70% water, we're all going to feel safer at the beach, which results in more swimming accidents, WHICH puts more money in the hands guessed it...the powerful lifeguard lobby.

4. 51% of the world's population is women.

Please. I've watched hours of travel and food shows. Plus CNN. The entire Middle East is men. They don't even have any women there, and that's like 25% of the world's non-water surface. And it's not just the Middle East. We all know the Chinese have been aborting girls for decades. It's all a ploy by the Yogurt manufactures to gain shelf space in supermarkets. Go to France sometime if you don't believe me. They have entire supermarkets that sell nothing but yogurt. Don't let it happen here! Don't believe the hype!

5. It's statistically safer to fly than it is to drive.

There's a reason this doesn't ever sit right when you hear it. It's not true. Flying is far more dangerous. This is a lie made up by friends and family to soothe children and hysterical women. Flying is far more dangerous because unless you have a plane parked at your house, or your house is a plane, you need to drive to the airport and then fly to your destination. If you just drove without flying, you would eliminate this second dangerous variable. Also, they never include SARS or the Pigflu in their numbers. They don't mention that the x-ray machine will cause organ damage, and that the stress of paying extra for your airport Starbucks will lead to heart disease and hypertension.

6. You eat 8 spiders every night.

Ridiculous. When you hear this, you're most likely thinking about 8 large hairy tarantulas climbing down your throat every night, committing ritual suicide. That's what they want you to think. In reality , this statistic is referring to is the microscopic arachnids that live everywhere on our bodies. They're technically dust motes. And you probably eat millions of them. You'd probably die if you didn't eat millions of them. And when you think about it, eating 8 spiders a night doesn't sound much worse eating the fleshy wing skin of 12 dead chickens every time you watch a football game.

7. There are as many stars in the sky as there are grains of sand on all the beaches in the world.

First of all, what are the odds those two numbers would even be the same? Plus, most of the stars you see aren't even there anymore. And there are a bunch of stars out there whose light hasn't reached us yet. Also, we're turning sand to glass at a crazy rate these days. And what about tides changing the size of the world's beaches every second of every day? You're talking about a set of factors in a state of permanent flux. It's like saying you pass a guy in a green shirt every three minutes. Well, what if his green shirt was dirty that day? Huh?

8. Latex condoms are 98% effective in preventing unintended pregnancy. 

Impossible. This statistic would suggest that 1 out of every 50 instances of intercourse with a condom results in a pregnancy. That means if condom using couples have sex one a week, they would get pregnant annually. That's like 25 babies, at least, per couple. AT LEAST. Clearly, people are not having babies at that rate. So obviously people are not using condoms (in this country), which would suggest they are 0% effective in preventing pregnancy according to the same logic that suggests...

9. Abstinence is a 100% effective form of birth control. 

Wrong! That's like saying you can't win gambling if you don't go gambling. Where does the truth lie?  Every day throughout the world, people are having babies and explaining it away with abstinence: "Wasn't me! Some bird brought that thing here!" So, what, you didn't have sex, but you have a baby? Bingo. Enough with the lies and politically motivated distractions. Can we stop confusing our high school children and just tell them the truth: abortion is the only 100% effective method of birth control.

10. High School graduates make 84% less than college graduates.

Hello? Have you ever heard of the NBA? I went to college for 7 years. I have two degrees and a shiny certificate. I only make about 80% of Lebron James' annual salary AND HE DIDN'T EVEN GO TO COLLEGE. Jesus, what kind of message are we sending our kids? That the NBA isn't a viable option? Great, so what, kids grow up to reject lucrative sports contracts in the hope that if they finish college they can tack on another 84%? Maybe you're okay with preaching the gospel of greed in our public schools, but I AM NOT!

So there you have it. Feel better? Doesn't the light of truth just brighten up your day?


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